Two and a half weeks ago, I experienced prison visitation for the first time in my life. People who know me understand that I have been involved in volunteering as a speaker and teacher in the Texas prison system since 2010. However, visitation is different from volunteering. For visitation, the convict has to list you as a person to come visit him specifically. Similar to the movies, there is a thick glass window and you speak to one another through old black telephones. One of my friends was contacted by a woman in Minnesota who has a nephew incarcerated near San Antonio. My friend asked me if I would go, and I did. Below are my four takeaways from the visitation:
1. Be Kind to Others as Their Burden May Be Heavier than You Realize
As I waited two hours just to get into the building for the visitation, I witnessed about sixty other people waiting with me: wives and girlfriends, brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, friends and other family members. I didn’t know their situation and they didn’t know mine. Having shared openly and actively about loving my experience volunteering in prison, people have regularly opened up to me about their close loved ones who are incarcerated. Many times, tears flow as they discuss the mental difficulties, emotional challenges, and social awkwardness of their situation. Without them trusting me with this fragile information from their lives, I would never have known. Sadly, mothers who have sons incarcerated often blame themselves. Using kindness and reassurance is the response that provides the best healing for these deep wounds.
2. Relate Through Mistakes
Connecting with people is a great passion of mine. Yet this was a new experience for me. This young man – T – had never seen my face and I had never seen his. Previously, he wrote me a letter and I wrote him one. Before I meet with people, I consider the following questions: How can I build this person up? How can I add value to this person? How can I serve this person? What can I share that would be most helpful? My life is overwhelmingly good, but when connecting with people, I strive not to share all of the beauty and blessings from my life. Instead, I prioritize sharing shortcomings and relating through my mistakes. An added bonus, my stories of struggle are always the most entertaining! **
3. Prepare to Speak From Your Heart
One surprise for me was that people are not allowed to bring in the following: books of any kind, notes, pens, and pencils. Naturally, it goes without saying that no phones, smart watches, or electronic devices are allowed. Those with more experience told me that all you actually bring in is your license and perhaps a bag of quarters for drinks and snacks. Because of this, any quote, story, or scripture that I might have wanted to used needed to already be in my heart. My late friend, Kevin Surrett, used to say: “When opportunity is knocking, it’s too late to prepare.” For this reason, each day as part of my individual growth plan, I review over 1200 ideas, sayings, quotes, and stories. As a professional communicator, I need daily exposure to the best content I can find. If I cannot give what I do not have, I need to be filled up so I can be poured out to build and benefit others with my words.
4. Being Present is Beautiful
Upon asking questions to the regular visitors and officials at the facility, I learned that I was in a completely unique situation for them. Once the visitors are checked in, they have a seat in a room on one side of the glass window. When the convict is brought into the building, they are not told who is visiting them. They simply look for a familiar person sitting at one of the windows and then take a seat. Young T and I had no clue what the other looked like. Regarding our situation, one official told me: “We have never seen this before. In all other situations, the people have seen each other before visitation.” My new friend – T – and I talked for two hours like we were old friends, without distraction or interruption: fully present in the moment. He told me I was his first visitor in two years as all of his family live in the Northeast United States. I told him he was the first person I ever visited in prison. For me, it’s a beautiful memory that I’ll cherish forever.
What a wonderful time I had! I plan to go again soon. Considering my experience, I listed a few application questions as you engage in building your life:
Kindness: What acts and words of kindness are craved from the people around you? How can you show kindness to others? Often, the people who we might think “deserve” it least need it most.
Vulnerability: How can you prioritize vulnerability in your relationship to build stronger connections? Which of your hardships, difficulties, and challenges would bond you with the people around you?
Preparation: What steps can you take to prepare to speak life into other people?
Be Present: What distractions can you minimize to maximize quality time with the people in your life? Who needs your undivided attention?
**Without question, there is a time to share success stories but those will come later.