One of my favorite stories to tell is about the 1993 Toyota Corolla I purchased for $1,900 cash in 2011. Lita named the car Raggedy Red after its bright red color and worn out features. The car had no rims, no hub caps, no speedometer; the interior fabric on the ceiling of the car was stretched out, torn, and draped low; when the door would open, it would creak like metal bending; also, there was a big crack diagonally across the windshield. For some reason, whenever I would turn the car off, the rear lights would not turn off. Because of this, each time I turned the car off, I would have to open the hood to unhook the battery cable to ensure the battery did not die. Similarly, each time I wanted to start the car, I would have to open the hood again and reconnect the battery cable.
After leaving Jim’s Restaurant one evening, I reconnected the battery, but somehow I did not completely shut the hood of the car. When I reached about 60 miles per hour, the hood flew back with a big BOOM onto the windshield! Here I was driving on the highway at 60 miles per hour with my windshield completely covered by my red hood! Thankfully, I was able to pull over. Realizing that the hood had completely detached from the car, I called my friend Juan Garcia to bring his truck so he could take my hood back to my house. By the next morning, my roommate and I worked to bend the metal back into the car. As I drove to work, the wind whooshed the hood up and over my car! I remember thinking: “Should I turn around and pick up the hood or just leave it? Those fancy low rider cars don’t have hoods, but this 93 Toyota Corolla is no low rider car!” Mostly reluctantly, I pulled over, ran back to the red hood, then ran it back to my car. I was wearing a button up shirt and slacks! If only someone was recording all this!
Well, Raggedy Red was with us for four years. Then, Lita convinced me to upgrade and replace. After four diligent months of reviewing vehicles, we decided in February of 2015 to buy a 2014 Toyota Camry: black exterior, black interior, silver rims, hood attached just fine, speedometer worked, rearview camera, no cracks on the windows, interior like new, and only 14,000 miles driven – good to go! However in 2016, the most costly hail storm in Texas history – $1.4 billion – struck the San Antonio area! Of the estimated $1.4 billion in damage, $13,000 of damage was done to my 2014 Toyota Camry! We named this car the Black Golf Ball – with all of its new dimples and grooves!
Considering the events with our cars, I am reminded of the importance of putting my confidence somewhere that does not change. If my confidence was in Raggedy Red, when the hood was attached, my confidence would be high; if the hood was flying off the car, my confidence would be low. If my confidence was in the Black Golf Ball, when the exterior was smooth and pristine, my confidence would be high; when the exterior was covered with dents from hail damage, my confidence would be low.
Let’s bring the topic back to marriage. When I watch shows on Netflix or Hulu, I am amazed at the emphasis of decision making based on the pursuit of happiness. Seemingly any decision is justified if is made in the name of happiness! People choose someone to marry based on who they think will make them happy; people choose to divorce someone because they don’t make them happy anymore; people choose unfaithfulness because they think someone else will make them happy.
Newsflash: Angelita does not make me happy; I don’t make her happy. Our happiness does not come from one another! What a burden of intense pressure! I feel for any person who has the responsibility of making another person happy; I hope they are equipped for the challenge!
Here is a list I composed of what I discovered I have access to BEFORE my marriage: unwavering confidence, inexpressible and glorious happiness, peace and contentment that transcends understanding, positive and uplifting personal identity, unconditional love, perpetual acceptance, true freedom to transform my life, complete forgiveness for all of my shortcomings, enduring hope for my future, powerful purpose using my gifts, precious and meaningful relationships, and the strength of security. Therefore, I arrived in marriage WITH all of these; I did not arrive in marriage to FIND all of these. Any struggle I have had in my marriage can be traced back to a misplaced focus on one or a few of these 12 areas. When I look for some imperfect person to fulfill these, I am bound to be disappointed. From my disappointment comes a variety of embarrassing behaviors.
Just like putting my confidence in the status of Raggedy Red or the Black Golf Ball, I am bound to be let down by putting the wrong purpose on my marriage.
Below are a few questions to help you apply the principle to your life:
Where do you go for confidence, happiness, peace, contentment, identity, love, acceptance, freedom, forgiveness, hope, purpose, meaningful relationships, and security?
How can you altar your view of the purpose of marriage to provide a better experience for your spouse?
Reviewing your marriage, where do your expectations for your relationship come from?
Given that you are an imperfect person married to an imperfect person in an imperfect relationship, how can you provide grace and patience for your partner’s shortcomings?