My wife has a better sense of fashion than I do – by a long shot! One of my friends (Julian) said to my wife: “You took this guy from the dirt to the palace!” Hilarious truth! We have a process for picking out my outfit for events we attend together: I give her the option of choosing my clothes – combinations to go with dark brown belt/shoes, light brown belt/shoes, black belt/shoes, or light colored belt/shoes. Now if she prefers not to share her preference, I simply ask that she supports me regardless of what I have on when I step out from the walk-in closet.
If I would list every category of decision making for couples, the list would be seemingly endless. Here are a few example categories with a variety of relevant questions:
Financial decisions – When do we want to be debt-free? What investments do we want to prioritize? How much money do we want to spend on food each month? How much money should we set aside for our children’s college education? How much money shall we spend on vacation? How much money do we want to spend on luxuries versus necessities?
Parenting decisions – Will we spank our children? If yes, what age will we stop spanking our children? What are other consequences we can use when the children misbehave? What age will we get them a cell phone? What is a reasonable bed time? What sports or extracurricular activities will we involve them in?
Resolving conflict decisions – What words are unacceptable in the middle of conflict: divorce, name calling, always/never? When shall we involve other people to help navigate through the problems? What does resolution look like on both sides of the relationship?
There is not enough time to list all of the potential categories and corresponding questions: fashion, meals, free time, fitness, health, frequency of intimacy, etc.
Each day, people make thousands of decisions. However, when married people were single, they could make many decisions based on their own preferences. Yet in marriage, two adults are responsible and heavily influenced by each other’s decisions. For this reason, when I officiate weddings, I remind the groom that his bride is intelligent; she makes phenomenal decisions; she decided to marry him! Then, I affirm to the bride that her groom operates with wisdom; he makes terrific choices; he chose to marry her! Because of this, I encourage them to go to one another for insight, trust one another’s intelligence, and be open to their partner’s perspective. Whenever the temptation comes to think of your spouse as lacking intelligence or wisdom, remember they were the same person who had the intelligence and wisdom to marry you.
Considering all of the decision making that is needed in life and marriage, I conclude that creating a strategy to navigate decisions is paramount. Unnecessary conflict develops because of a lack of a plan. Why do people choose to not make a plan for decision making?
Naïve Thinking: “We will agree on everything.”
I wish marriage was this easy! Even the experts affirm that the temporary euphoria known as the honeymoon phase of the relationship only lasts between six months and two years. Be prepared for a reality check.
Procrastination: “We will cross that bridge when we get to it.”
Here’s the problem with creating principles later: extra emotions will be present. At times, emotions can cloud sound judgment for men and women. The old adage affirms: “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
Resistance to Commitment: “I don’t want to commit to a plan that we may need to change later.”
What if I change my mind? What if I learn something new? One of the beauty’s of being in a marriage with a wise and intelligent person: You can adjust and adapt as needed. My nature is free-spirited, but I also love effectiveness and efficiency. Because I uphold effectiveness and efficiency above being free-spirited, I believe in a plan.
Hope for Perfect Balance: “We will simply take turns with decision making.”
She will choose this time; I will choose next time; repeat. This sounds optimal hypothetically. Yet, certain decisions are heavier and costlier than others: She chose pizza for dinner last night, so I pick the $17,000 car we will buy today! I hope this works perfectly!
For Lita and I, we estimate that our decision making breakdown is close to the below outline:
40% Her Arena: Lita has a preference; I have no/minimal preference; she decides.
20% My Arena: I have a preference; Lita has no/minimal preference; I decide.
35% Our Arena: We both have the same preference; we decide.
5% Final Arena: Lita and I have complete opposite preferences with no middle ground for compromise; I decide with an emphasis on prayer, consideration, respect, love, humility, and selflessness.
As you navigate the four arenas above in your marriage, consider the below principles and examples to help:
Her 40% Arena: Wife has a preference; husband with minimal preference; she decides.
Lita is amazing in a variety of areas of life. This is when I empower her, support her, endorse her, and praise her for the areas she is responsible for making decisions. For reference, the following are a few examples: timing of upgrading vehicles, fashion, financial reviews, decorating our home, location and frequency of vacations, assigning responsibilities in our household chores, designating storage/drawers, her career, and more.
His 20% Arena: Husband with a preference; wife with minimal preference; husband decides.
In areas that I make decisions, Lita provides support, endorsement, and praise for my responsibilities. Examples include hospitality with friends, writing and speaking opportunities, fitness, extracurricular activities, financial investments, and more.
Their 35% Arena: Husband and wife have the same preferences; we decide.
With this area, a shortlist includes: career focus on my side, involving mature people in our lives, devoting our time to helping others, commitment in our faith community, hosting events with our home, daily time to cultivate closeness in our marriage, and more.
Final 5% Arena: Wife and husband have completely opposite preferences with no middle ground for compromises; husband decides with an emphasis on prayer, consideration, respect, patience, humility, and selflessness.
This final area provokes the most problems, in general. Up to this point, the person with preferences always had their way. However, in this space, only one person’s preference is honored. My responsibility before making the decision has six components: (1) Have I prayed over the decision? (2) Do I understand the concerns of my wife? Vince Pierce, longtime friend, shared a principle with me years ago: Ask what your spouse is hearing. This helps you gauge understanding and internalizing of your partner. Can I articulate my wife’s feelings about the matter? (3) Am I remembering – with respect – how my wife is intelligent in her thought process and decision making? (4) Am I rushing or patient in this decision? Remember: haste makes mistakes. (5) Have I considered the advice of successful people? (6) Have I removed myself from the decision to attain a selfless disposition? My wife and I are passionate people; we can be passionately going in opposite directions! For the variety of decisions that we encounter, I’ve made final choices her way and I’ve made final choices my way. Decisions have been made about exercise equipment, downsizing, moving, the neighborhood of our home, and others. Regardless, we’re committed to supporting each other; we’re on the same team; we’re one.
Below are a few questions to apply this principle to your marriage:
How did you make decisions when you were single? Then after you married, how did you alter your decision making?
In what ways are you benefitting from your current decision making strategy in your marriage?
What can you do to make your decision making process better? What does your spouse think and feel about the decision making process in your marriage?
Remember that you are one with your spouse. How can you show support, endorsement, and praise to your partner for their choices?
Know that people change. Preferences can grow or shrink. What category of decision making do you most need to review with your spouse?