Imagine if you arrived at a birthday party and a close friend approached you and began hot ironing a wrinkled part of the back of your shirt while you were wearing it – without permission. Careful with the heat! Unpleasant, right? What if a family member walked over to you and attempted to shave a sliver of hair on your face that you missed from your daily grooming session – without your permission? Yikes! Careful with the sharp edge! Out of place, right? Or what if a stranger tried to wax, pluck, or thread your eyebrows to make sure they matched – without permission? How inappropriate!
There is a distinct reason people do not approach others to iron their clothes while they wear them; we could burn them! Even with permission, we would not attempt such deed! Also, we do not attempt to shave a friend’s face unannounced; we could cut them! In addition, we do not approach complete strangers to attempt to correct the shape of their eyebrows! While these three examples all relate to the potential physical harm we can cause, how often in our marriages do we provide undesired criticism and unwanted correction to our spouse, inflicting emotional damage to the relationship?
Back in 2013, I decided to survey 109 co-workers at my job. This is when I discovered the 5-to-1 ratio: 89% of the people that responded preferred this ratio of praise per correction. Similarly, Gottman and Levenson discovered this same specific ratio needed in order to make relationships last: five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
What if Steph Curry was at the free throw line in a game during the NBA Finals and his wife, Ayesha, attempted to interrupt him just to let him know that he forgot to wash his plate back at the house? Or what if a wife was delivering their child and the husband was telling her to push, but he also reminded her that she left the light on earlier this morning in the kitchen? Considering these extreme examples remind us that the timing of the criticism is vital.
Our culture in 2019 caters toward the hyper-critical: every item on Amazon is evaluated with one to five stars along with the option of writing a detailed review of the consumer’s positive and negative experience; YouTube videos can be liked or disliked; Facebook has the empathy option choices so people can express their emotional response to a post. If you want to offer criticism, there are plenty of avenues for just that!
My friend and prior roommate, Luke Taliaferro, advises: “Romantic relationships cannot sustain the same emotional weight of correction and guidance of a discipling relationship.” In other words, marriages are not built to sustain heavy, frequent criticism and correction.
Common criticism comes in a few forms in marriages: (1) What was neglected altogether? A responsibility was completely overlooked. “You forgot to wash your dish.” (2) What was neglected partially? A responsibility was not done to a high standard. “You didn’t sweep under the table and chairs.” (3) What negative impact did a decision/action have on me? A decision was made without approval. “You bothered me when you invited your friends over without considering me.” (4) What negative impact did something said have on me? “I was insulted when you told our friends about that situation.”
Each criticism may be 100% valid and may need to be addressed, but the timing of the criticism is paramount. Consider the below principles with criticism in your marriage:
(1) Bank Account Principle: Every positive experience (compliment, touch of love, act of service, gift given) is a deposit of one dollar; every criticism offered is a withdrawal of ten dollars. Do you have enough deposited for your withdrawal?
(2) 24-Hour Principle: Andy Fleming, evangelist and missionary, shared a principle him and his wife use: When someone in the relationship has offered criticism, allow 24 hours before offering a counter-critique. This helps focus on one area at a time without spiraling into a session of criticism piling on each other.
(3) “When You’re Ready” Principle: About five years ago, Mark Mancini shared about a practice used in his marriage. “My wife simply uses the phrase, ‘When you’re ready, I have something for you,’ to let me know she has criticism to offer me.” This allows him to let her know if now is a good time or not.
(4) Big Board vs Small Speck Principle: In helping with delivery, it helps to ensure that each person sees themselves with the big board in their eye and view the partner with the small speck in their eye. My problems are bigger than your problems. I would love for you to help me with areas of my character; only then could I help you with areas of your character. This helps cultivate a spirit of humility in delivery. Ask proactively: “How can I be a better husband?” “How can I be a better wife?”
As a person of faith, I am astounded by the difference between the direction that is provided by the Bible concerning encouraging versus correcting. Encouragement is supposed to be done every single day! Correcting is not given a time frequency. Encouragement should be regular; correction should be sporadic. How profound!
To assist you in applying this concept to your marriage, review the below questions:
Nobody wants to feel insufficient and not enough. How are you doing making your partner feel more than sufficient, more than enough, and more than adequate?
Currently, what do you think your ratio of positive experiences to negative experiences is set on? What does your spouse think about the current ratio in your marriage?
Which of the four criticism principles do you plan to apply immediately?
How does it feel when you are criticized heavily?
Some of you have experienced heavy criticism in many of your relationships: parents, teachers, bosses, friends, family members, etc. What can you do to provide a better experience to those you influence?