What is draining your energy? During one of my courses at the undergraduate level, I completed a powerful and enlightening exercise centered on energy awareness. For the activity, I had to gauge my energy level for every conceivable event throughout my week. Reading, social media interactions, web surfing, news digesting, exercising, connecting with people, attending meetings, creative writing, praying, eating/drinking, preparing, traveling, responding to email, responding to messages, executing tasks, chores, and more. Each activity is designated as invigorating and igniting or draining and depleting. Then, I had to conduct a deeper analysis to discover the various reasons that different activities helped my energy or hindered my energy. Considering just one area, I realized that all reading did not empty my energy; some reading brought me down; other reading lifted me up. Once I understood the root reasons, I had to ask what I could do practically to eliminate the energy drainers. If elimination was not possible, how could I limit the influence from those experiences?
Recently, I was reading about an ancient custom among the Hebrew men when going to war. There were four reasons that would make a man exempt from going to war: (1) if they recently built a new house but they haven’t lived in it yet; (2) if they recently planted a vineyard but they haven’t enjoyed it yet; (3) if they recently pledged themselves to a woman but haven’t married her yet; and (4) if they were afraid. While the first three concern major life changes, the fourth reason caught my attention; it seemed like an odd reason. However, the explanation resonated deep within me: The men who were afraid were quarantined so that their fear would not spread to the courageous soldiers.
Your company cultivates your character. To cultivate corrupted character, surround yourself with corrupted content; to cultivate noble character, surround yourself with noble content. If I was creating an inventory of the content we are all exposed to, I would list the following: images in the form of photos/drawings/paintings, actions in person/video, and words written/spoken. For sure, the vehicle of delivery may change in the form of song, shows, movies, and plays, but at the core, these three categories remain. Are the images building and benefiting me? Are the actions those which inspire and encourage me? Are the words worthy of repeating? Author and coach, Tony Robbins, said: “Every day you have to stand guard at the door of your mind.”
Considering the power of company, a few years ago I wrote the seven categories of every relationship I have read about, seen displayed, or experienced. To make the categories memorable, each category starts with the letter L. Before I list the categories, do understand that most relationships will have more than one category.
Learn: The people I am learning from have success that I hope and plan to imitate. While I want to have the humility to learn from anyone, I go to the experts – those with vast experience of success. Each year, Lita and I attend two marriage enrichment weekends to nourish our relationship and learn from the experts. I read every book that John Maxwell writes because I aspire to imitate his international influence. Just now, I walked over to our bookshelf and pulled marriage books from John Gray , Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Gary Chapman, Jennifer Tomas, Richard and Kristine Carlson, and Linda and Charlie Bloom. These people have significant impact on my marriage.
Lift: The people I am lifting have committed to purposefully receive my investment, gleaning the success principles I have attained. Next month, I will be speaking at a conference called Ignite; my topic will be on being a noble influence in the workplace. My wife and I have facilitated pre-marital counseling for young couples on the verge of marriage. Of course, this book that I am writing has an explicit purpose of elevating people’s marriages.
Lose: People in this category includes toxic influences from people who have no desire to grow and change. For me, one fundamental gauge is how women are treated, spoken about, and influenced. Certain musicians, shows, and movies depict women in a degrading and derogatory manner. There is not a place for such content for my eyes and ears. With movies and shows, if I would be uncomfortable with my wife, my mother, my sister, or my daughter in such a position as an actress, I hesitate to entertain, endorse, and engage with the content. Similarly, when people are blatantly disrespectful, divisive, and/or complacent in their ways, there may be a need for a severe of the relationship.
Limit: People in this category may not need a severance, but they may need a limit of their influence. Early in my relationship with Lita, we decided that our family members would never hear us say negative comments about our relationship and marriage. (Perhaps the only exception is when we mutually agree to be vulnerable about our shortcomings to better connect.) Our family on both sides are amazing. They love us deeply. We simply observed unnecessary drama among other people who chose to talk poorly about their spouse to family. My Mom has affirmed how she values the way we protect each other and also explained how this principle protects the family from themselves. Two years ago at a marriage enrichment weekend, Christian Flores shared: “Every time my wife and I are watching a movie or show that depicts a divorce, I turn to my wife and say, ‘That will never happen to us.'”. We implemented this principle right away, assuring one another of our commitment to the end.
Love: People in this category may be suffering or enduring a loss. These people may not have a success focus – lift and learn – or even a negative influence – lose and limit – but they may be focused on mere survival. And that is okay. For relationships with this emphasis, there is a premium on acceptance, understanding, respect, empathy, listening, and serving. (Clearly, I believe people in all categories are to be loved.) I have incredible friends who simply loved me during my lowest of times. Often, I remember and uphold Hakim Elamin for loving me on my way to my lowest point in my twenties, while Jason Riley loved me on my way up from my lowest point.
Laugh: People I laugh with are people who are my peers side-by-side. We have fun; we enjoy life together; we participate in shared hobbies. I play basketball with friends; I discuss NBA news with others; I go fishing, hunting, and tubing with buddies. My wife and I love going on double dates, building new experiences together.
Look to lead: People I look to lead includes everyone on the planet. By lead, I mean influence. I hope to be a positive influence on anyone and everyone. This is the purpose of my writing, my speaking, and my example. When I consider the positive influence of others on my life, I want to pass on what I have received. As my friend Rachel put it, “Be a river, not a reservoir.”
Below are a few questions to help you apply the principle:
What negative influences are present in and around your marriage now? What can you do to eliminate the influences?
For the negative influences that you cannot eliminate, what can you do to limit the influence?
How can you and your spouse create a safe place to discuss the potential influence of the content around you?
Each show and movie comes from the unique perspective of a writer; someone wrote the ideas expressed, displayed, and portrayed. Beneath the deeds and actions are fundamental philosophies the writer holds. Of the shows and movies you observe, how can you stay on guard from the subtle underlying, harmful core messages?